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HIV and AIDS make people nervous. And people who are nervous often react quickly, and without thinking, just to get out of a difficult or uncomfortable situation.

Although there are only a very few ways that HIV is transmitted from one person to another, many people aren't sure how it happens. And they are afraid that they can become sick just by being around someone who is already HIV infected. (HIV is transmitted through three body fluids: blood, breast milk and sex fluids. For more information, see websites like Aegis or The Body or the CDC's National Prevention Information Network.)

The worst thing that friends or relatives can say to someone newly diagnosed with HIV is to minimize the situation, or ignore it, or treat it like a death sentence:

• "I knew someone who died from that."

• "Well, at least it isn't AIDS."

• "I'm sure you'll be fine."

Don't ignore it. But don't make it the centerpiece of every conversation, either. If a person living with HIV or AIDS wants to talk about their health, listen. And if they'd rather talk about football or the weather, listen.

Offer practical help. Saying, "If you need anything, just call me" puts the burden back onto the other person who may not feel comfortable asking for help. Try something concrete like, "If you need a ride to the doctor or something on my day off, I'd be happy to take you." Or offer something you're doing anyway like, "I'm going to the grocery store. Do you need anything?"

Be inclusive. Don't exclude someone from activities or events just because of HIV or AIDS. If they can't participate or don't want to, the most respectful thing is to let them tell you.

Don't make assumptions. Until someone tells you something that they know firsthand, you don't know anything. For instance, just because someone is HIV-infected does not mean that they are gay. And, just because someone is gay doesn't mean that they are HIV-positive.

And don't assume that your friend is sick. HIV affects people differently, and some people spend years asymptomatic (no or few outward symptoms) while other people are hit with symptoms immediately. You don't know anything, until you are told.

Don't pretend to know something you don't really know. If you'd like to learn more about HIV and AIDS for your own benefit, go ahead. If you don't know anything about it, you can still be supportive: "I don't know anything about that, but I do know that I care about you. So I guess I'll learn more."

Good manners still count, and HIV and AIDS don't really change that rule. Just like learning that someone you care about is living with cancer, or ADD, or deafness, information about HIV may explain things about someone. But your friendship and concern will explain something about you.